I’m going to do it

Earlier this week I was thinking about that idea that occurs to me every so often that it would be easier to just go back and present in a feminine way again. So I got out my old makeup and a dress I still had and some earring and put them on. I still remember the makeup techniques I had learned before, so the makeup looked socially appropriate, and the dress is one that gets compliments when I wear it. After I got done getting into girl-mode, I looked at myself and took some pictures. I was very uncomfortable, and I felt like a man in a dress (sorry to use that trope, but it fits the situation). It seems like girling up was easier to deal with before I came out to myself as trans. It’s like a new sleeping bag or tent that fit fine in the box originally but just won’t go back in. Or an allergy that starts out as a minor irritation and becomes more severe as time goes on (I have a fruit allergy with precisely that trajectory). Having experienced male presentation, I don’t want to move back.

After that, I took a shower to scrub the makeup off; then I bound myself tightly and got into equally formal men’s clothes: slacks, button-up, and a vest. It felt much better (except that I took the binding a tad too far, using ace bandage, sports bra, and a binder to really press things down). That was a turning point. Before that, I was feeling that maybe I could just stuff myself back in the female box and live with it, but I don’t think I can anymore. I want to get on T and eventually top surgery so that I can pass. I have a pre-existing doctor’s appointment on Monday, which was supposed to be about checking in about a different health issue, and now I plan to use that appointment to also ask for HRT on the basis of informed consent under the WPATH 7. The doctor’s profile says she has a specialty in LGBT and transgender care, so hopefully it’ll work out. I’ll have to explain to her that the pregnancy plans are on hold for maybe 6 months or a year from now and that I reason I was chomping on the bit was because I wanted to get pregnancy over with so I could possibly transition. But now, I want to start transitioning first, before trying to have a second kid with Fergus. I understand there is something of a risk of problems conceiving after having been on testosterone for some length of time, but I’ve heard of enough cases (including an article about 25 trans men who were able to conceive after having been on HRT).

That night, I told Fergus that I wanted to start T soon and that I decided that I definitely want/need to move forward and eventually come out. He was incredibly supportive as usual (and as usual pointed out that it wouldn’t be a problem because my current masculinity is no problem for him and personality would be the deal-breaker), and we made a timeline of plans regarding pregnancy and transition, etc. Here’s some of the basics of it:

  • I will come out around the time my voice drops or I am otherwise more visibly masculine. This may take a bit, because I plan on taking a low-ish dose, maybe half or quarter of a “typical” dose of T, because I don’t want to go super masculine, maybe more sort of androgynously masculine but still able to pass even when I talk.
  • Fergus and I will start trying to get pregnant about 6 months from now (obviously I’ll come off of T for that, because of ovulation and also fetal hormonal environment). We may wait a little longer than that depending on his job stuff (getting day shift) and my job stuff (if I get a new tech job, I’d rather wait a bit more to be out of the probationary period).
  • Top surgery might be something like 6  months after kid #2 is born. Breastfeeding is beneficial and all, and I breastfed kid #1 for 1.5-ish years, but I’m dealing with DDD cups now and would enjoy not needing to bind as tightly. For a while, I’ve been thinking leaving something A cup-ish would be ok. Not totally flat but not super noticeable either. I suppose I can always take the rest off later if need be.
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