Feeling comfortable

This week I had an appointment with my doctor and came out as trans to her. Informed consent was just as easy as I had hoped: she asked some questions to confirm with me, ordered some bloodwork, and set up an appointment for early next month to start T. I still have some doubts, but a strong emotion I’ve been feeling is comfortable or relieved.

One way I’ve seen this is when I had an interview yesterday. I’m not out in general, and I didn’t want to come out for this, so I girled up for it (pink dress shirt, even…), but it felt less constricting that my test run last week (from my last post) where I got into a dress, earrings, and makeup, and it seemed that a chunk of that difference was because girling up for the interview was temporary. I knew that because of my transition plans, I won’t have to live in girl mode indefinitely.

Another way I’ve seen this feeling of comfort/relief has been a little more amusing/counterproductive. A couple times I’ve thought to myself, “oh you’re feeling better, I guess that means you don’t have to do this, you can go back to how you were.” It’s a little bit like in the past when I’ve gotten a cold or the flu, rested to the point of starting to feel better, and then felt like that meant I could get up and be extra active. The feeling of relief is from moving forward with transition, not an indication that I should go backward and stuff myself back in my closet.

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