Socializing as Me

Today I went to a New Year’s Day brunch hosted by a friend of mine from school, and it was the first social event I’ve gone to since coming out that had a decent chunk of people who didn’t know me beforehand. It was also unintentionally a nice test run for presenting myself as male in group social situations.

My overall impression: I really enjoyed it. I know I didn’t pass, as my voice hasn’t dropped either significantly enough or consistently enough to put me in the male range, but coming away from the event, I kept talking to Fergus about what a good time I had there. There wasn’t much extrinsically special about it: snacky-ish brunch with a group of folks, most of whom I didn’t know.

Even now, I still get myself into cycles of doubt with the trans thing. It’s not that I think I’m really cis or really a woman (nope, that box sure doesn’t fit); even when I’m doubting myself, I recognize that. Instead, it’s sort of an odd doubt that I’ll find myself not liking things with transition that I already have liked thus far. Or sometimes it’s that I feel anxiety for some other reason and try to pin it on having given myself dysphoria by transitioning, even though it doesn’t match my experience (for example, being tired to the point of “everything is blar” and somehow getting from there to trans doubt).

I like having this recent social situation to point to in regards to shutting down my counterproductive rumination (always had problems with rumination, by the way). I have other things to remind myself of my transness, notably my answer to the inner question “well, am I girl? nope, am not and don’t want to fake it,” but recent evidence to point to is always appreciated. (Also, this social situation didn’t have the awkwardness of Christmas get-togethers)

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